Bee-ing Succinct

Perfection

I have a problem with perfection.  The problem is I like to achieve it and when I don’t, then I just want everyone else to think I have achieved it.  It’s more of an internalization type of a problem.  Is it a problem that I like to keep my problems contained?  It’s not that I don’t talk about my problems, because I do; to an extent.  I’m very specific about who I talk to about what because I don’t want people to know.

I don’t talk to my mom about problems with the fiance because I don’t want her to use it against me later.  Or I don’t want her to say something negative.  I don’t talk to my best friend about problems with my fiance because she too has a fiance…and to me they are perfect. (Maybe she’s playing the same game as I am?  I never thought about that until now.) I just don’t want her thinking I’m weird or something or that I have a bad relationship, etc.  To be honest, I don’t really talk to my mom about anything because she’s a horrible listener and never fail she will use something against me in the future so I stay clear of it.  My point is, different people serve different functions in my life.

But I don’t like to give anything away.  I want people to think I’m perfect (well, as close as you can get) and that my life is perfect.  I know it’s not the truth and I know nothing is perfect. But perfection is having “all your ducks in a row”.  I like to think that I do, but I don’t.  On the outside I look so clam and steady, but on the inside…I’m a mess.  I’m worrying about this and trying to finish that.  In fact, there are very few moments when I’m just being me.

I want to change that.  This year, I’m going to change it.  I’m going to try my….very best!